I've often wondered how the suffering of the Savior in Gethsemane could evoke such a powerful and seemingly impossible physical response... bleeding, as it were, from every pore. It was kind of nonsensical and over-dramatic to me, quite frankly. I mean, how could this happen in reality?
I've experienced physical pain in my life... and I have to admit that I'm something of a lightweight when it comes to pain. I don't like it. I don't have a very high threshhold, and don't suffer it well at all.
But even as much as I loathe physical pain, it is nothing compared with emotional and mental pain. The kind that renders you paralyzed, immobile, helpless, and defeated. That's the pain that I struggle with now. Every day. Every hour. And almost every minute. It never ends. It almost never lets up. It certainly doesn't listen when it's at its very worst when I beg for relief. It's always there... laughing at me, taunting me, making fun of me... just like the bullies who did the same things to me when I was young. They didn't go away either, even though I begged them to leave me alone. They hurt me physically... emotionally... and mentally.
Sometimes you don't even realize how much pain you're in until you catch yourself planning out ways to end it. Not spectacular "look at me" ways, like jumping or driving off a bridge. I'd never do that. Not brave enough, I guess. There's always that fear of being conscious and aware during the 5 seconds that it would take to fall before I hit bottom, and then there would be the momentary physical pain of feeling every bone in your body shatter, and feel your organs being ripped away from their normal place. Even if just for a moment. I just couldn't do that. Too much of a coward, I guess.
But go to sleep and never wake up? Lie down in my comfy sheets, pull the blankets over my head, block out the world, and quietly drift off to eternity? Yeah, I'd do that. In a heartbeat. And that's when I know the pain has become too much; dangerous, unmanageable, and black. I can understand how the Savior bled at every pore. Suicide simply isn't an option for a God. Bad form. Horrible example and all that. And so the pain has to go somewhere. Bleeding from every pore sounds about right.
I understand why people self-medicate and "numb out." It's easier than hurting. It's easier than dying a minute at a time. And even the numbness beats the pain.
